The District of Never Die

 all_unwritten 389 - "he got on my nerves"

     I swallowed the little caplet like a normal pill. It went down like a normal pill. But, in the back of my mind, I totally knew it wasn't your typical, "normal" pill.
     It was blue for one. Who had ever seen a blue bill? Besides the one Morpheus offered Neo in that ancient movie. But that was totally fiction. This blue pill was definitely real, I could feel it as it tumbeled down my throat and into my system. No waking up in my bed for me, with blissful ignorance. No, I was an experiment. I wasn't fiction. And down went the blue pill.
     They said it'd take a while for it to take affect, but that I shouldn't really feel anything, except maybe a bit of soreness or discomfort. That was "normal," they said.
     An hour passed and I sat there silently in the bed, contemplating the meaning of "normal." That was common for a philosopher right? Except I'm no philospher.
     The static in the background morphed, changed into a static voice. Then the voice broke free, sounding small and yet very clear against the silent white atmosphere.
     "-lo? -ello? Can you -ear me?"
     The scraggly man in the long white lab coat leaned over, almost morphing out of the wall he was propped against, to pick up the walkie talkie. His voice was just as weak as his hair, barely there when he answered. "Yes, I can hear you."
     I smiled to myself as he failed to mention me. I was just the experiment, not a person to be included at all. How amusing.
     "I'm in the blood stream. Heading to the spinal cord now."
     I had asked how this was going to affect me, them poking and proding my body from inside when I couldn't stop them, and I remember being anxious. Then they showed me the adorable little blue space ship that would be in the little blue pill and I didn't fight them anymore. It was just too cute.
     Now however, once I couldn't see that little space ship, now that it was inside me and there was no way to stop it, I was anxious again.
     "Whoa, the heart beat just speed up. The blood is rushing much faster now."
     Apparently they could tell I was nervous too. The scraggly man outside of my body smiled reassuringly in my direction without really looking at me. Ah, to be an experiment.
     "Alright, past the heart, heading towards the spinal cord."
     Scraggles lifted the walkie talkie to his weak voice and said, "Remember, be careful."
     "Careful"? Why was he telling the mini man inside of me to be careful? I thought this was going to be easy.
     "Ow! ow ow ow! What the - !" My back arched in a painful jerk.
     "Whoops! hah, sorry. Is she okay? I just hit a nerve."
     I glared at the walkie talkie. "Okay"? "OKAY"?? He was lucky I didn't sneeze him out right now, that little mini man. So he got on my nerves. Literally. Lovely. I twitched a bit more, spasms shaking me as aftershocks of my bruised nerve. I hoped the little shakes were like earthquakes inside of me so maybe he'd be jolted enough to be more careful. But then again, he might run into something else. I tried to stop shaking.
     Scraggles watched the monitor by my head in silence. Apparently everything was looking good. He nodded or grunted every now and then, using phonics as small as the hairs on his head to approve of the situation.
     "Almost to the top," the walkie talkie announced. I assumed he meant almost to my head but there was no way to know. I never had gathered all the info on this experiment. Damn that tiny adorble space ship.
     The static broke through again as a shiver sent goose bumbs crawling over my skin. That wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't cold at all. Huh, odd.
     "Everyone ready out there?"
     Scraggles looked in my direction one more time. "Yes."
     A sudden itch plagued my head. It itched so much, but oddly, it was inside of me, in the most unreachable place ever.
     "Cord is inserted. Switching to manual control in . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . ."
     At one, Scraggles blended into the wall again, the walkie talkie spewed static, a voice unlike my own came out of my mouth. And then everything was black.

     I awoke sneezing like crazy, one after another after another. That was probably the most I've ever sneezed in my entire life. My eyes teared up and my chest hurt when it finally stopped. Scraggles was back, separated from his wall again. He was at the end of the bed over my legs with a magnifying glass. It must have looked odd to any passerby, watching a man scour a blanket with great intensity while I sat there rubbing my eyes with probably what felt like the most confused expression on my face.
     The tweezers snapped out like a dragon towards a virgin sacrifice. Scraggles raised his hand slowly, bringing the magnifying glass right up to his eye. The now-giant eye blinked and squinted, squinted and blinked until he turned to the vial waiting on the table and dropped his speck of dust in.
    The door almost closed on his white lab coat as he walked out. "Thanks for the information," I almost muttered when the door clicked shut. Looking around the room, I was left to ponder what had happened to me. Manual control. Hmm. I wonder what he meant by that. Mm, well I wonder how mini man is doing. . .

      I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew, Scraggles was back with a strange man. He was wearing a blue jumpsuit with giant bug-eyed goggles propped atop his head. They were congradulating each other on some recent achievement.
     "It was amazing! To see the body is such detail, so up close! It's like you'd never believe! And our experiment - " His sentence dropped off as his face glazed over with nothing short of complete awe and passionate connection.
     "Yes. A complete success. Of course, the nerves are going to have to be avoided next time." Scraggles cocked an eye brow at the young man who blushed and scratched his head.
     "Hah, yes. That was a complete accident." Then he turned to me and quickly spoke as he bowed his head. "I'm really sorry about that."
     Oh! His voice! It was the voice from the walkie talkie! Mini man! Mini man was out of me! Maybe that's what all the sneezing was...
     "How did the controls work?"
     "Oh, very easy. It was like second nature working them. All of that practice paid off! How did it look from out here?"
     "You definitely had complete control. I could hear you and her eyes glazed over so I take it you had them too?"
     "Yes, I could see out of her eyes. She's slightly color blind though, she should see an eye doctor about that." He cast an appologetic glance in my direction before continuing the conversation.
     Their voices faded into the background like walkie talkie static. So that's what happened. He had control of me. I wonder what he did with my body. My hands quickly ran across my body making sure everything was still there. Hah, that sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie.
     I remember falling asleep this time as my cushioned head filled with images of time capsules and miniature spaceships. One last thought faded across my mind as the dreams took over.
     That pill was blue right?

     The bubble wrap strewn across the floor looked irresistable, so she jumped in it. She jumped in it, and rolled in it, and threw it around, rejoicing in the sounds of popping air capsules. Soon, all of the bubbles were empty of oxygen and the sad excuse for bubble wrap layed limp on the floor, almost like a rag. So she made a dress out of it. She made a dress out of bubble wrap. Clear, plastic bubble wrap. It was taped together on the sides, and very much see-through, but could still be classified as a dress.
     Proudly wearing her creation into the back yard, she wandered over to the pool, dancing a jig to a song no one else could hear. Her dance was abruptly interrupted though when she stepped on her brother's toy handcuffs. Usually he would never let her play with his things, so she took the opportunity and picked up the little plastic restraints. Clicking them playfully around one wrist, she took up her jig again, stepping in time to each little click. She danced over to the pool, marveling at how the water reflected her image right back at her, the copy-cat girl doing exactly as she did. Her reflection seemed to notice the lawn chair across the pool the same time she did, an idea springing to life behind both sets of eyes. Waving the handcuffs around like a ribbon, she started her dance once again. Her reflection joined in too, causing the girl to giggle with the excitement of having a dance partner. They bounced and twirled and swayed around the pool till they were right next to the lawn chair, and the dance continued still.
     The girl picked up speed, moving faster and faster, closing her eyes and listening to the world. She heard the sound of her bubble wrap dress crinkling as she moved, the plastic handcuffs making a faint tink noise when they bounced against the chair, the birds of the neighborhood singing their emotions, the wind whirling around her head as she spinned, and the people next door laughing at the television. Clad only in bubble wrap, she performed her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being made for the only person who would ever watch her.

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Inspired by one of my friend's facebook statuses: "E.W.H. , clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred." It was a really weird status so I thought I'd copy it and save it for a time when I wanted to write something, but didn't want to respond to any of the other prompts I had for the day. And so here it is. I can't tell if it's depressing or just weird, but I think it's kind of both o_O Either way, it's still crack!fic.

Haha, I just had to add this: my boyfriend read it, and he said, "it seems like a good one to be made into an indie short movie." I kinda see where he's coming from.

OK, so my friend kick_back_80s and I were talking and I told her that my boyfriend commented on how my recent journal posts have all been depressing and such, so she challenged me to write a crack!fic, which I have never done before (>_<) about "this is the way the world ends." So here goes nothing!! And I'm kinda basing it off Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, because that seems to be the embodiment of crack!fic, or at least the embodiment of my understanding of what crack!fic is
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    Our story begins on the sad little planet of Earth. I call it sad because it is just that - pathetic in many, many ways.
    But anyways - on to our story. It all started with a pea. Yes, the little green vegetable that grows in a pod - that type of pea. It was a very lovely pea, growing healthily in its potted plant. Of course, the planter was a clown, so the little pod received plenty of water from the trick flower on his lapel. It received sunlight from the hole in the top of the tent caused by a deranged midget shooting out of a cannon. It was the perfect sized hole though, bringing in just enough light, so no one complained - not even the midget. Of course, he was no where to be found, but that's another story entirely.
    Back to our pea. Or, I should say, the elephant. This particular clown was part of a traveling circus, and this particular circus was lucky enough to have a couple of "wild" and "trained" animals - but mostly they were just a couple of old monkeys, a lion, and an anorexic elephant, all of them too lazy to protest against their captors commands, or even being captured in the first place, for that matter.
    Well this elephant, being anorexic and all, would only eat small vegetables, like our friend the pea. It was very unfortunate for the pea that one day the elephant spotted it's little plant and decided it wanted to eat it. The pea, having no way of escaping its impending doom just sat there shivering in its pod, causing the whole pot to shake. The elephant, noticing the shivering of the delicate pot mistook it for the rustlings of a mouse and thus began freaking out, for, as you see, elephants are deathly afraid of mice.
    A camera man passing through had stopped in to check up on the estranged circus and scope out its filming prospects. With it's main midget gone though, there didn't seem to be much left in a holey tent with nothing but an anorexic elephant, a lion, 2 old monkeys, a clown and a pea plant. But as he was just about to leave, lo-and-behold he spotted the elephant in the middle of its crisis. He was hardly able to hold his laughter in as he struggled to take out his equipment, holding the camera on quivering shoulders as silent laughter shook his body. What had caught his attention, and apparently was deemed noteworthy by his standards, was the anorexic elephant dancing around a pea plant.
    And so he took his noteworthy footage of dancing elephants and shaking pea plants to the internet and it spread like a viral infection. It was posted and spread to every single person on the planet, even those without internet, and so everyone began laughing. Not all at once, of course, that would be too coordinated. But in time, everyone was laughing, and so they all suffocated due to lack of oxygen and laughing too hard. This is the way the world ends.